Having nothing better to do, I spent my early morning walk today imagining what Hunter Biden might say, were he called before the Senate as a rebuttal witness, so to speak, to John Bolton [those being the names at the top of the Democratic and Republican wish lists.] Here is how I imagined it could go. Names, dates, and other details to be supplied, of course.
“In 2015 [?], I was contacted by a representative of the Burisma corporation, a natural gas company in Kyiv, Ukraine. I was offered a seat on the board of the company at a monthly salary of $50,000. I have no knowledge of or experience in the fossil fuel industry, and I do not read, write, or speak Ukrainian or Russian. I am not a fool. It was perfectly obvious to me that the sole interest of the Burisma company in me was my relationship to my father, who was then Vice-President of the United States. [This next part is tricky, and depends on the provable facts.] I immediately recognized that I had a choice among three options: I could reject the offer out of hand as unacceptably sleazy; I could accept the offer and attempt to use my connection to the sitting Vice-President to corruptly influence American policy toward Ukraine and the Burisma company; or I could accept the offer, scrupulously avoid the slightest mention of the position or the company to my father, and take the crooks for the fifty thou a month they were offering. I immediately rejected the second option, and after some deliberation chose the third. My choice was sleazy but not illegal.
Why did I take the money in return for doing nothing? Because I have had a troubled life, during which I have struggled with drug addiction, and I wanted the money. Why then did I refuse to play ball with Burisma? Because I love my father, who has suffered unimaginable personal losses during his life, and although I am morally compromised, I simply refused to put my father in the position of having to choose between his principles and his only surviving son.
That is the sum and substance of my connection with the facts of this trial. Were my actions worthy of condemnation? Of course. Do they in any way reflect badly, or indeed at all on my father? Not at all.
Let me add one final comment, not as an excuse for my choices but to provide some context that may be useful. This Senate chamber is currently occupied by one hundred duly elected United States Senators, a not inconsiderable number of whom have profited in the past or will profit in the future from choices morally comparable to those I made.
Now I am ready to answer your questions.”